I just got in from herding the goats back into their enclosed (this term is apparently really loose) area. I was tending to some other farm chores when I noticed that they seemed to be on the wrong side of the fence. Practically in the road. We live on a rural route, like right on it, where people drive 60mph because the posted limit is 40mph. I hate this road and I cannot tell you how much happier I will be when inevitably the horse-and-buggy makes a comeback in the post-oil era (coming soon to an America near you!).

Anyway, I called C, not that he could really do anything about it from wherever he’s working today, but I just had to reiterate that I will be actively searching for a person or family to share our land. We have a couple of buildings which could be converted to awesome living spaces and we’ve been talking about doing that ever since we moved here. When things like this happen, and I’m trying to juggle creatures that are 150% my weight (Alice knocked the wind out of me trying to get to the empty container of grain I forgot I was holding) and keep my son away from the road at the same time, I just feel unbearably lonely. I shouldn’t be doing all this by myself. Our neighbors are out of town and without a car I am stranded. There is literally no one for me to talk to right now and I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. All we want is community, and it seems we’ve put ourselves in a position that is so far from it.

The strange part is that I’m not homesick. I don’t really have much of a desire to pack up and move again, not even back to California. The market is shit, anyway, so it’s probably a moot point…we’re going to be here for a while whether or not we choose to embrace and accept it. We just need to find our tribe. I know we have one here, but I’m so tired and we are burning the candle at both ends, ships passing in the night (if we’re lucky) and making snail’s pace progress on the farm because of it and how can we attract people into our lives when we’re feeling this way? If we had some other folks here sharing the land, people we connected with…I feel like we could be happy.

I still haven’t found the bat.


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